I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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