He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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