4 words: hood of his car
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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