Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
