Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
