Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
