he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
