matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
