How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
nutella sex= disaster
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
