I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
