One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
