a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Dear god my vagina.
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