dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
As shirtless as possible
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize