I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
