this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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