I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
