The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
