Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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