The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
two words...techno handjob
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Is it penis luge time yet?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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