Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We got so high we made milksteak
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
