A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize