It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
