Welp...herpes.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize