i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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