Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
