the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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