I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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