woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize