Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
