atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
