were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
