Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
