I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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