If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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