So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
