I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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