If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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