There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
