I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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