so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
