so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize