Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
