So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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