I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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