laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
