i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
