Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I fill condoms, not promises.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
