I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
