Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize