Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
