No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
