the condom got lost in my hair
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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