Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
