he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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