Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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