Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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